What is it that we all are looking for? Is it happiness? What is happiness? Where to find it? So many questions and none with an answer. One question just leads to another.
It has been six months since I am done with my post graduation. I lived away from home for around 9 years. From one city to another in a neighbouring country, I worked hard to earn degrees that would bring happiness in my life, apparently.
I remember how much I wanted to come back home, especially during the last few months. And here I am, at home. I thought I had worked really hard all these years and hence needed a break, so I thought of working only a few hrs a day and then have rest of the time to myself. I remember searching for art classes, gyms and dance classes online during my last few days in the other country.
After I came back, for the first few days, I did absolutely nothing and boy, I was very happy. As I started meeting people, they started to ask me about my future plans and also at my home, they thought it would be a good idea if I took up a job, to which I complied. Not even a few weeks and I was working. All my plans about art and dance classes were all down in the drain.
A busy schedule with no time for myself and then the pandemic happened and my country went into lockdown. At this place I work in, we have a roster and we have to go for duties only on specific days that sums up to around 3 days a week. So basically this lockdown has given me the kind of life I wanted, though with some pay cuts, just mentioning not complaining.
Amidst all this that is going on around me, I have plenty of time to think about myself, what brings me to this-writing. My job requires a lot of dedication and continuous studying so I hardly get time to read other things and when I do, I feel I am not being very sincere towards my profession, I need to study things that are relevant professionally, I feel so guilty.
So what has led to this, I sometimes wonder. Why do I feel guilty when I enjoy? Well, on retrospection, I feel it has got a lot to do about the way we are brought up. Being from a middle class South Asian family, born and brought up at my native place, we have always been highlighted as how a good education and good career can provide us a good life. My family provided me with the best of education available in our country and had big dreams for me, dreams that every South Asian parents have for their children. They want us to grow up to become doctors or engineers, as cliche as it sounds.
I managed to do pretty fine in academics so I am where they wanted me to be, at least with the academic milestones. That is the thing about people in my part of the world, for us, academic achievements matter the most. We are brought up being constantly compared with our siblings, neighbours and friends on the basis of our performance at school. Even if the child is naughty or a bully, it is fine till you are doing good at school, that is all that matters. So if a child who has been brought up making her think that your academic achievements are all that matter, it should not be surprising if she tries to find happiness in these things. If someone else is going for a higher degree, you should too. If someone else is excelling at work place, you should too. Well that leads to nothing but just discontent souls searching for meanings of their life at places where they will never be found.
Nobody told us while growing up that it is alright to be average, that it is alright to not be an overachiever, everything is fine till you like what you are doing, you are learning and happy while doing it. All the stress related to schools and places of higher education, are these necessary? I don’t think so. Why can’t all the children learn and grow together and not compete with each other? I think if that happens, children will understand the meaning of society as such, instead of being selfish, they will learn to help each other as well. It will take me quite some time to understand the term “healthy competition”, doesn’t it sound like an oxymoron to you? We should come up with better words.
Our area of focus needs to be somewhere else instead. Let us give all those kids a chance to grow up and be the people they would be happy being. After placing my happiness in these trivial things for a lot of my childhood, I feel that it has been the biggest hoax of my life. People say, you have to find happiness inside you, maybe in a few years I too will agree with that. Right now, I am trying to find it in my loved ones, the force that made me travel back to my home and the force that makes me want to travel after all this is over.
